Episode #3 – Trying To Get The Middle Distance To Blink First

In the third spectacular edition of The NXT Wrestling Fan, Miles and MeganBob dive into the NXT show that originally aired on June 5th, 2013!

In this episode:

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Legendary announcer “JR” Jim Ross is here, though even Miles isn’t entirely sure why. The important thing is that, while he does love barbecue sauce, he has never poisoned anyone with it (to our knowledge). Bob did earn her first point in the Cheap Pop Quiz this week, though! Just not for that particular question.

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Good ol’ JR is actually here to preside (?) over the contract signing between Big E Langston and Bo Dallas for their upcoming NXT Championship match. Not every championship match involves an on-air contract signing, but when it does, you can usually expect some smack-talk, some intense promos, and usually waaaaaaay more violence than we see here. Although, speaking of violence, let’s get a better look at those outfits…

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Nice. Looking good, E. How about you, Bo? What did you wear to this party?

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Same, E. Same. Moving on…

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Pictured: Corey Graves, trashbag fey prince, struggles manfully to remember his lines.

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Our first look at Paige comes in video package form, and while she might not be a blonde exhibitionist, 2013 WWE can’t help but fill that video package with shots like this. There’s a pun here to be made about filling packages, but I’m sure I won’t be the one to make it.

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That’s a little better. In our first-ever “Trading Card” mini-segment, we go into Paige’s background and how she got here, including her life growing up as part of a wrestling family in Norwich, England, which was recently made into a movie of dubious accuracy but excellent entertainment value. We do not go into her future, because that’s a spoiler-y story for another day. And it’s weird.

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Anyway, here’s Tamina, Paige’s opponent in Round 1 of the NXT Women’s Championship Tournament. Bob is already prepared to die for her, but her tenure in NXT is tragically briefly. Pretty sure it’s this match and like, one other one, way later? Honestly, considering how close she gets to committing actual murder in this episode, I’m surprised she’s not in prison.

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That is one hell of a superkick, y’all. Can we see that from another angle? And maybe in slow motion?

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JESUS.

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Hey kids, you wanna see a dead body?

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Fortunately, Paige does end up winning this match, thanks to another example of the dreaded RAISED KNEES. Here’s a look at the impact:

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I mean, it’s no athletic foot murder, but it’s enough.

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Keep staring, Kassius. You’ve got this. That pesky middle distance can’t hold out forever.

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Meet Leo Kruger! He’s interestingly lit and spooooooooky! Ready to stare up his nose?

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Didn’t think so.

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Now that the uncomfortable stuff is out of the way, let’s stare at Colin Cassady’s butt! That’s right, it’s another edition of BUTTWATCH! How about a closer look?

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Yup, that’s the New York skyline, with the Empire State Building pretty much right down the asscrack. Colin Cassady, ladies and gentlemen. If it makes you feel better, immediately after this photo was taken, he got absolutely wrecked by Mason Ryan.

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This doesn’t really come up in the episode, but can we just talk for a second about the chemistry between Renee Young and Sami Zayn? Like, check out the way they’re looking at each other here.

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Really. Look at them.

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LOOK AT THEM.

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THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WERE ABOUT TO KISS AND THEY’RE ANNOYED SOMEBODY WALKED INTO THE ROOM. WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THIS BLOSSOMING LOVE

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Oh. It’s you. Well, that makes sense. Still, why did Renee and Sami never end up together?

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Oh, riiiiiiiiight. That’s why. Damn you, Cesaro, you heart-stealing fiend. We must fight each other about our feelings!

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Hey look, it’s Steel Horse! You know, from the first season of GLOW? The wrestler Debbie bangs the night she realizes that wrestling is a soap opera? I would say that he’s better known as Alex Riley, but honestly, I kind of think he’s better known as Steel Horse. Let’s call him Steel Horse from now on.

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And here’s the submission hold that Conor O’Brian uses to tap out Steel Horse in a short, not terribly competitive match. Not much to say about this one, aside from the fact that O’Brien is about to meet his BFF!

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There he is, just chilling in the background there. I still can’t believe this is actually how The Ascension formed. Like, officially. Rick Victor just shows up on the entrance ramp…

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Stands up next to O’Brian, who seems to sense a disturbance in the force…

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They look into each other’ eyes…

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True love is a beautiful thing, y’all.

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Time for our first official championship match! Stop looking at me like that, Graves, it’s not cool.

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Corey Graves: “I’m gonna have a weird, creepy look on my face.”

Luke Harper: “Hold my beer.”

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Bray Wyatt spends most of this match in a rocking chair, because rocking chairs are terrifying and so is he. Also he makes Erick Rowan bring it down to ringside, leading Bob to believe Bray likes Luke Harper better. He is the favored swamp son.

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This is the best screen grab I could get of Graves clotheslining Rowan over the top rope to the outside, which impressed Bob a great deal. Honestly, most of the shit Graves does during this match happens too quickly to screencap, but I like this one because it looks kinda like a Renaissance painting. This picture belongs in the Louvre, don’t @ me.

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Anyway, here’s the end of the tag team championship match. After Wyatt interferes ( a couple of times), Luke Harper is able to hit that big discus clothesline on Ohno, and that is all she wrote.

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And now that the match is over, Rowan is on rocking chair removal duty. Did he park in Bray Wyatt’s space too many times or something?

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Next episode, more people arrive to flirt awkwardly with Renee! It’s possible this podcast is developing a theme, but I have no idea what that could be. See you then!

By the way, that is, in fact, our music! It’s called “Learnbuckle” and it was created by the uniquely talented Rafael Medina, whose work you can and should follow via his Twitter account, @EarthMeauxFaux! You can also follow Miles @mjschneiderman, MeganBob @meganbobness, and the show itself @nxtwrestlingfan.

Additional music and sound credit to:

“Almost Bliss”, “Eyes Gone Wrong”, “Greta Sting”, “NewsSting”, “Samba Stings,” “District Four”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

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